I’m so excited to share this engagement session from February. You know that feeling of stepping out into the most beautiful spring evening after a long dark winter? The sun is warm on your face, you can smell the dirt in the air, and everyone is outside playing, running and jumping. This was a day like that, only it wasn’t spring. It was mid- February… but that’s the magic of Ohio. Jon, Kasia, their dog Michi and I went around German Village, stopping at random nooks and crannies along the way. I call these paparazzi-style shoots, and they’re actually my favorite way of shooting an engagement session. We are all in it for the fun, we can all share our ideas openly, and we all work together to get some creative, fun and unique artistic portraits.
Having your photos taken is stressful. I know this because we just had our family portraits taken. It freaks me out each time I have to get in front of the camera. But like I always tell those that hire and work with me, after about 15 minutes of feeling awkward, it gets really fun. This shoot was no exception to that rule. These two are so caring and genuine with each other. And they are TALL! I now know what it must be like to be Tom Cruise. Anyways, I’m starting to ramble. I’ll just get on with the photos, because often my photographic voice is a lot more engaging than my written one. I hope you love this visual preamble to Spring. XO Jess
I’m not going to lie…I’ve been avoiding writing about this for about 6 months. This has undeniably been the most difficult time I’ve ever had in my life. I have been writing the blog post updates in my head and then letting the words just float away, never to write them down. Why? I’m not exactly sure. Maybe it’s all been too difficult to sit with and process. I will start with this week and then jump back to September for a full update.
Today is a great day. My baby boy came home from the hospital over a month ago after having his “full repair” open heart surgery for Tetralogy of Fallot. He slept in my arms today, smiled ear-to-ear, filled his diaper a healthy few times, and otherwise acted like a perfectly normal 4 month old without a care in the world. In my brain, there is a heavy dose of emotional dust still lingering from the last two months, but I have learned to savor the many blessings of our new reality.
Last September I had a fetal heart echo on my birthday. I had made myself so sick and nervous over this that I refused to have anyone celebrate my birthday. It actually ended up being the best birthday gift ever, because we were told that our baby, even though he had TOF, was on the good spectrum of this disease and his pulmonary artery was growing really well. We were also told that he would probably be able to come home with us after he was born instead of going to Children’s Hospital for a shunt. It felt like our prayers were starting to be answered and everything was going to be just fine.
A NEW CHAPTER BEGINS
Scott took this selfie right before joining me in the OR for our C-Section.
In October, we went to the hospital on the 27th to be induced. 28 hours of labor later, they decided to do a C-section because of my failure to progress. Our baby boy, Cadel (pronounced Kuh-Dell), was born in all his beautiful baby glory on October 28th at 10:54am. When Scott and I heard his crying scream for the first time, it was a flood of emotion. I think I felt every gooey good feeling in the world all at once, and we both just started to cry. I only got to see him very briefly before going to recovery, and Cadel was sent directly to the NICU for a heart echo. Following my hour in recovery, I became extremely sick and couldn’t sit, stand or talk without throwing up. TMI. I only share that because looking back on the situation, it’s pretty funny. I was having serious conversations with cardiologists, nurses and doctors about our son while actively vomiting in front of them as they talked to me. It was probably like trying to have a conversation with the girl from The Exorcist. Long story short, I started to feel better after getting my blood sugar back up and was able to go and hold our baby for the first time that night. It was the most amazing feeling. He was such a cute perfect little man and the idea that he was sick was so confusing because he looked so normal and so healthy. We stayed in the NICU until his PDA closed off and we knew he’d be stable. A PDA is a natural shunt that supplies oxygen to the blood stream during pregnancy, as a fetus doesn’t use their own lungs. TOF babies are typically a-symptomatic when they are born because this natural shunt is still in place. As it naturally shuts itself off, it becomes apparent what condition he’s actually in. We were so lucky because our little man was healthy enough to come home with us instead of having an operation. His blood oxygen saturation levels were hovering in the low 90s.
At home It became clear that being a new mom came with some unexpected challenges. Did you know that around 80% of new moms experience what’s called “baby blues”? It’s basically a condition that makes you feel batsh*t crazy for about two weeks. For a while, it was a full on war against my brain as the flood gates to my anxiety had been opened. Sleep and a lot of support from friends and family helped me come out on top of this time with a smile on my face. Day by day, things started to settle, and still, when I looked at our son, all I saw was a healthy smiley, strong little boy. But his reality was unfortunately not based on what he looked like.
Cadel’s blood oxygenation levels started to drop by early December, when he was in the low 70s. The cardiac team started him on some medication which helped raise those levels to the low 80s until he could have surgery, scheduled for January 7th. As luck would have it, he developed a dairy protein intolerance right around the time of his surgery. The surgical team didn’t feel comfortable putting him on heart bypass if he had even a little bit of blood in his stool, so his surgery was delayed until January 18th.
I wanted to document Cadel’s scar-free body one last time.
THE BIG DAY
I’m sure you can imagine that was a long ten days for us. You build yourself up to be ready for surgery, and then when it’s delayed, each day passes by at snails pace. When the day came, I was actually very eager to hand him over the the surgery team around 7:30am. I was excited to get him on a path to recovery and I was relieved his surgery hadn’t been delayed a second time.
All was going well and the Columbus Children’s Hospital was keeping us up to date with direct text messages. It was pretty cool. We knew exactly when his heart bypass had started, when the surgeon was making his first incision, , etc. etc. At around 2:30pm a nurse came out and told us there was a setback. She said that when they went in to do their full repair, the left branch of his pulmonary artery was actually extremely small and needed to have a “patch” on it, meaning they expand it to make it larger. The patch they put on was twisting a little when they tried to take him off heart bypass preventing his heart from effectively beating on his own. They said they had to put him back on bypass so they could re-make that patch. Here’s what I heard: your baby’s heart isn’t beating on its own. We’re going to do our best to fix it. Here’s what I thought: what happens if they can’t fix it? Will we lose him?
And there I was, face to face with my biggest fear I had been hoping, praying and pleading with the universe I wouldn’t have to face. I was sitting with it for about two hours until the nurse came out and said he had been taken off bypass, the surgeon was finishing up, and his heart WAS beating on his own. In that moment, we all sprung to our feet, hugged and cried. There was such a huge sense of relief. Little did I know, the journey wasn’t over yet.
We were able to join him in the CTICU less than an hour after he was out of surgery. He was hooked up to so many machines and he still had his breathing tube in. I didn’t see any of that when I looked at him. All I saw was his perfect little face. He was so much pinker than we had ever seen him. I didn’t really ever think he was pale before the surgery, but it became apparent that he was when I saw how rosey he was after.
That night, about four hours after he was out of surgery, he developed a heart rate over 200. The two sides of his heart were also not talking to each other, giving him heart arrhythmia. We slept at his side in the CTICU on a pull out couch and all night his alarms were going off, warning the nurses that his heart rate was racing too high. It was a scary and almost surreal thing to live through. The next morning, it almost felt like a dream.
Normally they would “jump” the heart using a pace wire that had been inserted in surgery. His pace wire for some reason wasn’t working, so they couldn’t jump start his heart into beating correctly. The condition he developed, called JET, had to work itself out naturally, which we were told usually happened within 72 hours. Our little man kicked it in about 48 hours. Now, waiting two whole days for his heart to normalize felt like weeks, but once he came out of JET, things slowly started to get better each day. He had a lot of liquid around his lungs from being on bypass for so long, so that’s what took the better part of the entire second week to clear up. Each day came with emotional ups and downs, and it was hard (nearly impossible) but completely necessary to keep our focus on the larger picture. He WAS slowly getting better.
About two days before we were able to take him home, on day 11, he started to smile and interact as usual. I think this is when Scott and I finally felt a sense of relief. When we did take him home on day 13, it was almost like nothing had happened to him, of course the same can’t be said for us. His scar had all but healed in that short amount of time, and it doesn’t look bad at all. In fact, I’ve come to love it which still surprises me.
Reflections
So while I’ve written about this experience and how scary and crazy it was, I also want to mention some things that have been blessings.
– We have the best, most loving friends, family and community that has come together to support this little angel. It’s hard to even put into words how much all of their support has meant to us.
– I don’t take one day for granted with him. Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me and it’s easy to go negative. I have a mantra that I’ve started to repeat to myself since coming home from the hospital. “We are only promised today.” And I will be thankful for each and every day that I’m given with him. I am getting better at living in the moment, which has always been something I’ve struggled with. Don’t get me wrong- I’m still horrible at it, but I’m getting better.
– I easily forget he’s sick. Having a kid is for the most part seriously fun. When you look into your child’s eyes, they are so much more than any adversity they’re born with. I happen to think our kid is one of the coolest children I’ve ever met. He’s totally going to trick us into having more.
Cadel is over 4 months old now and will be having follow-up catheterization procedures at the end of April. To say I’m nervous about it is an understatement. They will be going back into his heart, looking at a patch from his surgery that is leaking, and also expanding and putting shunts into his pulmonary artery. This is a non-invasive procedure, so he won’t be due for another open heart surgery for a couple of years. Like all procedures, however, it comes with risks. Risks that I’m aware of but try not to think about.
Sometimes I still get caught up in the “why did this have to happen to him?”, like a record skipping. He certainly doesn’t deserve this. And that’s when I take a step back, and I try to re-align myself with HIS reality. (By the way, I’m really bad at doing this, too, so Scott has to help me with it sometimes) Cadel doesn’t know the difference right now, and by the time he does, hopefully the condition will simply be about monitoring and maintaining. Most of the “bad” things that I’ve lived through so far in this experience have been a result of my fear and emotions, and not a result of his condition. If I were giving advice to any parent about to watch their infant go through major surgery, I would encourage them to try and maintain a sense of perspective throughout the entire experience. TOF is extremely treatable. Your entire family will be stronger for living through it. And lastly, and most importantly, for as scary and hard as the bad stuff is, the good stuff is equally joyus and that much more rewarding.
I feel like I’ve written this before, but I LOVE engagement shoots. It’s such a fun, laid back, pressure free experience that’s just so much fun it gives me a natural high each time I shoot one. No matter who it is or how nervous someone may be, the session is always so full of life and love. Who wouldn’t like that?
This year I had the honor of shooting not only in Columbus, but in Chicago as well. It was refreshing to bring a fresh perspective to some popular Chicago locations, as well as get a much-needed mini-vacation with the husband. It was a weekend filled with my three favorite things: Scott, photography and eating.
A lot of my local shoots happened to be in German Village this past year. I think people are drawn to the charm of the brick streets and homes that are so quaint it hurts. Columbus is just perfect for vast and diverse shooting locations. I seem to find new ones each shoot I’m on. I love all the color and variety you find in this city!
On a side note, I have a lot of people ask me what they should wear to their engagement shoot. I always say that bold colors are great on camera. Usually you want your shirts or outfits to be logo-free and not too complex of a pattern or design. You don’t want a photo background to compete with your outfit and vice-versa. Be yourself. If you don’t usually dress up in a suit and tie, then wearing that to your engagement shoot might not represent who you are as well as it could. Generally speaking, dressy-casual works well.
Below are a compilation of some of my favorite couple’s photos from this past year. I ended up having so many that I cut them down a bit so the post wasn’t too ridiculously long. A huge thank you to all of the couples who have trusted in me to document their relationships and love. I’m so excited for this year’s shoots to start (this weekend!).
Here’s the details post I promised. While I pride my business on being more about the couple, the day and not the “stuff”, I can’t deny that I love some eye candy. I decided to make the details its own post this year, because I thought it was really cool to see the variety and diversity of each wedding I shot. It really gives you a good feel for how different each wedding truly is. It’s also pretty clear how I could have kept a few pounds off, because I totally had a piece of every cake, every cupcake, and every doughnut. Don’t judge.
Fair warning- photo wise, this is going to be a serious over-post. I have so many favorites from last year that it was hard to narrow them down. I’m going to do wedding details in their own “best-of” post later this month because there were simply too many to even begin to include them in this post.
2015 was a year that we’ll never forget! Scott and I moved into our first home and we welcomed the world’s cutest little boy to our family. Most of the year I was pregnant, however I consider myself lucky because it never really slowed me down as far as mobility when photographing. I was just a little more rolly-polly towards the end. Because of our little bundle of joy, my wedding season ended a little early at the beginning of October. Our year ended with the announcement that Jessica Miller Photography won The Knot’s Best of Weddings 2016, which is the fifth year I’ve won the award in a row!
As you will see, my couples this year were really really good looking. Each was super fun to work with and I feel so lucky that the couples that hire me tend to be laid back and genuine in spirit. All of my weddings this year were in the Columbus area, which is the first time ever I believe I haven’t traveled for a wedding. From the engagement shoot through the wedding and book design process, my couples really start to feel like great friends. I think that’s probably one of the best parts of this job.
This summer came with a lot of rain and a lot of outdoor weddings were pushed inside as a result. This of course isn’t ideal on a wedding day, but the wind that comes with rain can make for some fun and unexpected moments.
Thank you to everyone for your love and support this year! It’s been our best year yet and 2016 is gearing up to be even busier and better! XO Jess
In Upper Arlington, there’s a little known secret barn called Amelita Mirolo Barn, and it’s just the perfect backdrop for anyone looking for a barn wedding that’s close to the city. It has tall ceilings with wooden rafters, great for decorating or leaving bare. It’s located right near a beautiful park that has tall wooded pine trees, ideal for varying up photo looks in one convenient location.
Carrie and Dave accentuated this raw space perfectly with overflowing Spring flowers, hanging lights and chandeliers, and personalized details, like a hand-written love note on display from Dave to his new wife. From the moment you walked in, there was eye candy at every turn, but it still felt very intimate and authentic.
Dave is a pilot and Carrie is a flight attendant. They had met each other around 10 years ago, but from what I can remember, neither made the first move. I’m glad someone finally did, because the rest is history. Carrie glowed all day in her white lace gown. I have to say, hands down, that her dress had the prettiest back to a dress I have ever seen. The two were married with the accompaniment of a string quartet surrounded by their family and closest friends, and then they all danced the night away under the illuminated ceiling with a live bluegrass band.
Later in the evening, we snuck outside for some really quick night portraits that were the proverbial icing on the cake for this collection!
Last month Scott and I whisked through the windy city for an engagement session with Adrienne and Adam. (YES! I’m posting a blog within two month of shooting it!!) While we were there, we were able to stay smack dab in the middle of downtown, we had awesome food including Chicago deep dish pizza and Sweet Mandy B’s cupcakes (who literally make the best buttercream icing in the entire world) as well as lunch with some old friends. I used to live in Chicago from 2003-2005, so it’s always fun to get back there, even though most of my friends have moved out of the city. We literally couldn’t have asked for better weather on this trip either- it was the perfect get-away with some much needed sunshine.
What I loved most about this trip was shooting around the city and getting to know Adrienne and Adam. Anyone who knows these two should consider themselves extremely lucky! From Lincoln Park to the heart of downtown Chicago, we went all over the city and ate some amazing food to boot at the Little Goat. They told us about their lives, showed us where they used to live, the restaurants they loved to eat at, as well as some really cool streets to shoot on. Everywhere you turn in this city there are fantastic nooks for the perfect photos. If you keep your eyes open, you’ll see some unexpected gems like “you are beautiful” stickers and signs placed around the city (we saw a few over the weekend).
I couldn’t be more excited for their Columbus wedding next year and I know it will be here before we know it!
Kristen and Scott’s late January Esession earlier this year was brisk and cold, but their love for each other kept them warm inside! With their wedding quickly approaching, I just wanted to take a few minutes and blog about the ridiculous cuteness that is these two, because, well, they deserve to be in the spotlight!
It’s kind of funny saying we did this shoot at the Whetstone Park of Roses, because there weren’t any roses in sight at this time of year. The air was crisp, and it was that tail part of winter where you could almost will spring into existence. We took a stroll around the park, and then went to a few other spots in Clintonville that I adored when I lived there (at the time of the shoot). It feels so strange posting this now, as winter quickly approaches. Blogging more regularly is something I look forward to in the coming months as wedding season wraps up. Next weekend these two get hitched and I couldn’t be more excited! Their venue will be at Via Vecchia, which is one of my all-time favs!
First things first, thank you so much to all of the amazing friends and family who reached out to me and shared your own stories. Talking with you has helped open my eyes to the realities of how many people live with not only heart conditions, but other scares and hardships life can offer. Hearing your stories have helped the world seem smaller and more manageable. That pesky fear of the unknown is still always hitting a buzzer in my head, going “don’t forget about me! I’m the worst case scenario and I’m not going to let you forget it!” But the volume on that voice has been turned down for now. It’s a true testament to the power of love and I can honestly say I’ve never felt more loved. It’s a very humbling feeling.
More big changes
As some of you may or may not know, I have worked basically two full time jobs for the last 5 years. In January of 2006 I started a full-time position as an Art Director with a local events production house. I had the pleasure of actually using my two degrees (BFA and MFA in Art and Technology), which was something I never thought I’d get lucky enough to actually use, as jobs in fine art are pretty hard to find. This niche position provided me with an outlet for both my love of sculpture and my love of photographic composition. As a stage designer, I would design small and large scale stages for events and concerts all over the world. A few times a year, I would fly to the larger shows and photograph the event for our company’s marketing department. The thrill of walking into an arena and seeing what has been in my brain for months actually sitting in front of me is a feeling that never got old. And being able to do that is a true testament to the talented people I was able to work with. Below are a few of my favorite sets I’ve designed and photographed in the last couple of years.
August 28th was my last day as an Art Director for this company and I have now set out to focus solely on my family and photography business. It’s a little bittersweet, but our decision to not put our future son into daycare made this change extremely easy. And I couldn’t be happier! I’m going to be able to do the things I’ve wanted to do but never had the time to, like blog on the regular! I have big plans of kicking ass and taking some names both personally and professionally. If there’s one thing I’m most thankful for from our child having this setback, it was the gift of certainty that this is what I’m supposed to be doing. #noregrets.
All of the women at the production company gave me a royal send-off including a surprise baby shower and a cake as big as my torso. I’m not going to lie, the baby shower was so surreal. Scott and I hadn’t bought anything for the baby yet. I think a little of that is because it gives me a little anxiety…ok a lot of anxiety. I didn’t want to prepare everything and then have something truly bad happen. As unlikely as that is to happen, it’s the way my brain had processed our situation until that point. The shower made it all feel so real. I have to say, the outpouring of love was simply so special to me and I could never fully express how much it all meant to us. I had to take two car-loads home, and when Scott saw it all, he simply shook his head in disbelief much in the same way I did. We both stood in shock looking at the gifts, then at each other, then making brief comments about how real it was all becoming. And seeing the little clothes switched my focus from the bad, to the amazingly awesome fact that we are going to have a little guy fill them out very soon.
It’s Getting Real
In mid-August, we had an ultrasound, and the tech said she was going to do a 3D version of it for us. I wasn’t going to do one, because I always thought the images looked like they came straight out of a horror movie, but I was pretty excited when she said she was going to do it. For about a day, I couldn’t get over how creepy it looked, but when I see it now, I have to say, I’m so in love. His cheeks and nose are so cute and seeing them is pretty incredible.
In late August, Scott and I toured Children’s Hospital in Columbus, OH. It was a whirlwind of emotion, and I held it together until I got to the NICU portion of the tour. Seeing all the babies hooked up to all of the machines struck a chord with me and I had to excuse myself for a couple of minutes. All of the emotions I’d been handling so well came rushing back to me full-force and I had a mini-cry-fest there in the hallway. There’s literally nothing really good about this situation, however, there are immeasurable silver linings, and I will choose to focus on those. The facility at Nationwide Children’s Hospital is breathtakingly gorgeous. There is lots of light and wide, bright and happy non-claustrophobic hallways (perfect for crying in lol). The machines still look intimidating and overwhelming, but their visual effect is made more bearable by the comforting and beautiful surroundings.
We were lucky enough to meet with one of the heart surgeons that day. He was not only kind, patient and smart as hell, but he was refreshingly down-to-earth and a little poetic, which I was not expecting. He compared having Tetralogy of Fallot to walking up a hill of sand. You can still walk up the hill, however you might slip a little along the way. He then said that we all have our hill to climb, whether it’s made of sand or lined with stairs. Deep, right?
During the consult, I felt like my eyes had been opened a little bit more, and the road will be a little bit harder than I was telling myself prior to the meeting. I suppose everything sounds harder before you go through it. I was talking to my father after the visit, and he said something that I think a lot of people have trouble naming when they know they are going to be faced with adversity. He told me that this will all become my new normal, and that it’s really scary right now because It’s all so new and different.
The long and short of the visit was that they are not going to be able to develop a definitive treatment plan for our little man until after he is born. For me, that is the main source of my anxiety. I constantly tell myself “we don’t know how bad it is yet.” I should probably be telling myself, “this could all go a lot better than you think it will”, and try to focus on a best-case scenario. Another piece of the puzzle that has me a little freaked out is he will be transported to another hospital within the first couple hours of his life. It could be 1-4 days before I actually get to see him for any length of time. Luckily Scott will be with him that whole time and will send me plenty of photos and videos. I think after being away from my newborn and not being able to see him, I might over-compensate and never let him go once I’m able to hold him. I’m looking forward to having that option.
After touring the hospital, I found myself going back to the internet and combing through blogs and posts about TOF. It truly doesn’t matter how many success stories I read about, they all weigh heavily on my heart. I need to stop.
FINISHING TOUCHES
It’s been just over one week since our hospital visit. This week is my first week as a full-time wedding photographer (even though I’ve considered myself one for the last 5 years). Luckily my schedule is filled up right until we have lil’ nug, and I couldn’t be more thankful for that. We have also worked a little each night on starting to put the nursery together and finishing the downstairs of our home. I’m going to post pictures of it when we get it a little more finished.
In the next few weeks, we will be lucky enough to have a local baby shower and one in Atlanta as well. I’m so excited to just have a few days with family and friends! Life is truly a roller coaster ride with its dips and turns. I know we’re currently going up another hill we’re going to have to face, but it’s going to be an amazing journey! How’s that for an optimistic blog ending?
I think the 6 month mark for babies might be my favorite to photograph! The babies are usually interactive, smiley and super precious. What made this shoot even more fun, was the baby had a very proud older brother! This was an in-home session, which I adore doing when baby is small. It’s a lot more relaxed and less scary for the babe. Plus the photos reflect a true representation of their environment. One of my favorite photos of me when I was little was taken in my room. I get a kick out of seeing the posters that were on the wall and the types of toys I had laying around. I’m not going to mention what they were, as that will date me older than I’m prepared to share:) That’s the kind of stuff that’s real- that a posed or “perfected styled” shoot can’t offer. In an age of Pinterest overload, it’s nice to be reminded to be yourself sometimes. Make your own memories in your own environments. Don’t feel like you have to live up to some internet idealism that exists in photos of babies in a propped-out overload wonderland. That actually goes for all my photos clients- YOU DO YOU!!
Their grins are so huge and genuine- I dare you not to smile when you see these! It’s hard to believe that in a few short months I’ll have my own little roly poly little one.
